User talk:Aideenuow/UN will investigate possible 'crimes against humanity' in Syria

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Review of revision 1278497 [Failed][edit]

Re passages too-close-to-source[edit]

I'm starting to go through this again. An observation: You're having trouble, I perceive, with what it is you shouldn't be doing. There's a rule of thumb that says there shouldn't be four words in a row from a source. It's also a problem to keep sentence structure intact and just change a few words (though one could technically avoid four-word sequences this way). Distinctive turns of phrase make things worse.

For example. Comparing this lede to the LA Times lede, the specification of protest duration, in the same sequence, is part of the closeness, and the use of five months to specify it compounds the problem. In the new thing you added, "leaving/left him bleeding on the side of the road" is a distinctive turn of phrase, as well as a long one.

In the best synthesis, there's no remaining sign of distinctive turns of phrase, nor grammatical arrangement of elements in sentences, with even phrases often containing information from multiple sources. (I've wondered if we can somehow put together lucid illustrations of what to do and not to do in this regard, but crafting such illustrations is challenging, and we're not there yet.) --Pi zero (talk) 14:54, 26 August 2011 (UTC)

The whole sentence on Homs Monday is cut and pasted from the LA Times. [That is, the whole LA Times sentence; and the whole sentence here is unchanged from when I described its problems in my earlier review.] --Pi zero (talk) 16:04, 26 August 2011 (UTC)

Review of revision 1278723 [Failed][edit]