Talk:Airborne sedan smashes into dental office in Santa Ana, California, US

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Latest comment: 6 years ago by SVTCobra in topic Title
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@De Wikischim: We should not be making a subjective judgement that this is bizarre. It's not our place to tell the reader what subjective judgement they should make about it. That's a neutrality violation, and needs fixing. --Pi zero (talk) 13:43, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply

I've changed the title and the intro now. De Wikischim (talk) 13:46, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply

.:@Pi zero: single quotes…
•–• 13:55, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply

Good point. --Pi zero (talk) 13:56, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply
By the way, first line does not compell me to read the next one—is written like a blog. It should be only Ws and Hs rather than NPOV triggering adjectives.
•–• 14:00, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply
@Acagastya: - Sorry but I don't get at all what you mean with "written like a blog" - there are merely facts which are mentioned now. What according to you should be changed? De Wikischim (talk) 14:03, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply
I think SVTCobra, or Green Giant should fix the lede, De Wikischim has been struggling with lede for weeks, maybe they would be able to explain De Wikischim about the lede. I remember Bddpaux explained me how to.
•–• 14:09, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply
De Wikischim; "On Sunday night, a very unusual incident happened" Wikinews should not be saying that, or any news should avoid those set of words. Maybe you should see the revision history of my initial articles—It was hard to get at first but then, Bddpaux did it for me.
•–• 14:09, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply
Well, car accidents like these do not happen very often, I guess. If it isn't allowed (according to the neutrality policy here) to call it unusual, then which other word choice would you prefer most? De Wikischim (talk) 14:14, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply
@Pi zero: I think you should undelete UEFA Champions League 2014/2015 Bayern Munich 3-2 Barcelona F.C. so that De wikischim can see the revisions, I remember I had not written it in a “news” tone and was bloggish, I guess that might help them. De Wikischim: I would limit the lede to answer Ws and Hs.
•–• 14:23, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply
The lede should get straight to the point, which is to briefly summarize the focal event by succinctly answering as many as possible of the five Ws and an H about it.
"Never forget that if you don't hit a newspaper reader between the eyes with your first sentence, there is no need of writing a second one." — Arthur Brisbane.
--Pi zero (talk) 14:25, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply
OK, I have again re-written the lede, trying to follow "five Ws and an H". With this, I've tried to address "Who?"-question too. However, I still do wonder why it would violate neutrality policy to call a car accident of this kind "unusual", "uncommon" etc. - actually it is uncommon, you just can't deny that. De Wikischim (talk) 15:57, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply
My first impression is, that reads pretty well. :-)  --Pi zero (talk) 16:04, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply



Maybe mention in title it hit the second story of the building? Because that is the only thing that makes this story unusual. PS I wish we could use the video of it happening under FU. --SVTCobra 18:15, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply

Hm. Airborne may be more to the point than second story, since it's possible for a building to be e.g. on a hill so that the second story might be at ground level from upslope. --Pi zero (talk) 18:39, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply
And similarly, airborne can be 30 cm off the ground. I actually didn't mind it when it said 'flying' because if you saw the video, it flew over another driving car. No big deal. --SVTCobra 19:58, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply

Review of revision 4376338 [Passed]




Sorry to be nit picky, but for a long time I had no idea where Santa Ana was (and there may well be other places in the world of the same name). The teaster on the Main Page specifies California, but I still think the headline should clarify that this is in the US. Yngvadottir (talk) 19:54, 16 January 2018 (UTC)Reply

You're quite right, it should. My bad. --Pi zero (talk)